UPDATES

Here are some updates from my myspace blog. Copy and pasted from most current blog (11/10) to last blog.


11/10 - Today was very interesting

So today was quite interesting and fun. My cousin Kim and I started out to get my car insurance switched over, which we did. And then from there, we went to the whistle stop cafe (( which yes, i really like fried okra and fried green tomatoes, im becoming a southerner more and more by the minute.)) After that, we went alll around town. We went to the vulcan (( pics are up in a separate folder)), then we just went sight seeing. We went down Morris Ave, which is fucked up, because its old old old cobblestone road, and then we went to the Golden Temple (( awsome shop!! twice the size of Seven Rays!)) and then we went to clairmont ave, which we went into a vintage clothing store and the Naked Art Museum. = ] so all in all, it was a very good day, kept my mind off of shit. = ]

I fucking love birmingham. = ]


ps. i also now know where the good bars are located.




11/9 -Weird Emotions.
Things have been fucked up. But alot of it is my fault. I dont feel like going into it tho. I am working everyday not tho, and its hard work. Constantly looking up new people, going and getting the file, which is a bitch to do, putting files back, running errands for the nurses, being on my feet all the time, and my fingers are now callused. It sucks, but im making good money. I think I might be hanging with Carlee this weekend, which would be good to hang out with a girl and let loose a little.

Im dealing I guess. I dont know what else to do. = [

i feel empty and numb. i guess im coping. oddly enough, Im not mad, or irritated. more frustrated and confused. but I wont think about it until I really have to. I dont want to drive myself insane anymore than i think i am.

" Focusing on school and work." woot. *sarcasm*



11/7 - Kill Me
Ok, so Im a huge fuckup. I cant do anything right, I cant make anyone happy, and I just dont know what the fuck to do anymore. If I knew how to make everything perfect, I would, but I cant. So I sit there and listen to all the problems I have, and we have, and I just want to make everything better for YOU, and if that means you get rid of me, then I'll deal with it. But right now, I want to cut, I want to scream and cry, I want to be held and told everything will be ok. But none of thats going to happen, so maybe I should just take more tylenol to make my headache go away and hope for the best while I lay awake for the rest of the night. Fuck this



10/24 Changes
Ok, so since Ive been here, Ive noticed that Ive changed. I cook more ( yeah, lol me cook ), Im more domestic ( yeah, i not only cook now, but I clean as well.) Im also more rational and practical. Im not as spontaneous and loud, Im more quiet and reserved ( not that I like that change) and Ive become wiser. I realized alot about my family, especially about my mom and dad, that personally, i think they should have just told me. Im more or less jotting my thoughts down because Im bored, and theres really nothing left for me to clean. I also realized that having a check card, will and can get you into some major shit, and to save your money is the best thing anyone can do. ( other than to pay off their debts.) Im grateful that I have dewayne, hes been a huge help, and even though I dont thank him enough, I know I should. Its been a confusing time, where Im rediscovering myself, and its scary. Im not used to this new person, the adult like, responsible one. Im thinking that I have to pick up a second job, especially since UAB is screwing me out of my paychecks. There are times where all I want to do is go home, crying, saying that I failed, and that Ill never make it, but that isnt me. If I was to go home right now, it would show that I couldnt make it, and that I have to rely on my parents for everything, and I dont want to do that. I want to give the ultimate fuck you to the parker family, and Im doing it. I am not the fucked up, depressed, pill popping, cutter that they think I am, that I used to think I was. My entire family is fucked up, not just me, but my old habits werent ME, they were an escape. Yes, I still smoke, thats one habit I cant exactly stop now ( it feels tooo good in the morning, and after...things.) But Im learning to not hold back, to show me, whoever me is. and yes, im homesick, and all i want is my old room, with my bed and everyone at the house having fun, but that isnt going to happen. ( Unless yall wanna move down here to be with me, cause thatd be fucking fabulous!!).
Its confusing. Im confused, and tired.



10/9 I know somethings wrong, I just dont know what
I know somethings been bothering me alot lately, I just dont know exactly what it is. I know I've been worried about my brother, mom and grandma and papa lately, and Ive got some money issues, and Ive been angry with both my parents, but none of that should cause me to be the bitch I have been. I know I have been really homesick lately too, I just dont want to admit it. I am not used to being alone all the time, I want to be able to sit on the back porch with Erich and Rob talking and making prank phone calls, or going to the underpass late at night with Kenific, having Ashley show up at random times at the house, cuddling with Anna, going to Fresnos and Dennys, roadtrips with Lauren, 9 mile creek, and the Sanctuary. Porn shops with Liz and Redneck. I miss it all. I mean, I do love alabama, but I miss everyone. and its making me be a bitch, and I dont want to be mean. I want some of my old normalcy, some of the chaos and commotion, the laughing and joking around, the yelling with Erich and Mom. I know Im mad at Mom, and shes still mad at me for leaving, and that I complain when she bitches at me over the phone, but for 5 minutes, I want to be in the living room, with my arms crossed, yelling at her with her yelling back, telling me that I cant do something. I never thought I would miss that. I miss Grandma most though. After spending so much time with Dewaynes grandparents, it makes me miss grandma and papa even more. Fuck, I even miss West Genny. I just hate being alone here without the normal commotion...

I hope this feeling passes soon, I cant continue to be a bitch.



9/11 Homesick
I've been pretty homesick lately. And I've felt the urge to drive home as soon as possible. But then I realized, that no one would greet me when I got there. I have a new life here, and everyone at home as a new life too, a new life where I dont fit in. I am not included in everyone's new lives, just as they are not really included in mine. Im fearing that the two weeks for christmas is going to be a disaster, that I am not going to be able to see everyone, and I'm seriously contemplating bring Dewayne home with me now as well as in June. Hes the only one I have right now, the only person that is there to take care of me when I need to be, and the person I talk to every single day. I couldnt ask for a better boyfriend, especially since I havent been the happiest person in the world when I realize how alone I really was down here. I just want to be a part of the lives of my closest friends, but I guess I have to suffer the consquences since I did want this huge change for myself.

Oh, how I want to lay down, binging on nachos and soda with you, anna. and the backrubs. and the laughing. btw, butt paste is one of my new fav words. I love you.... please include me......


time for wonderful school now.
fuck.



8/27 This is Foreign
Things are falling into place.
and Im happy. like, really happy.
no depression, no thoughts of cutting or suicide. no wanting pills, no nothing.
it feels good.
the only problem right now is the job factor.
but that should be resolved very soon. :)

and I have an amazing guy. I dont know how I got him, but I did. and I couldnt be happier. :) (( southern boys are the fucking best!! ))

Its mindblowing how great things are going.

but i still miss camillus and everyone ( ok, just about everyone in it )


UPDATE: I got the fucking job at UAB!!!!!!!!!!




8/18 Missing Everything
Ok, so after the last week here, i am just breaking down. I have been completely on my own, with no one to hold my hand through anything. I mean, the new independence is great, dont get me wrong, I proved to myself that I can handle more than what I thought I could, but being alone.... makes me think more than I should. Tonight I was with my cousin and her boyfriend, and seeing them together, makes me miss all the nights on the couch, and cuddling with him. And just everything. I saw this group of kids hanging out at the sonic here, and it reminded me of the nights spent at dennys and walmart, the underpass and school dances and the parties at the house. I didnt think it would affect me this much, but at this moment, I would do anything to run home, jump on my bed and hug everyone. I know this is my own doing, my own fault, no one to blame, and I take responsibility for my decision to move down here. But it doesnt stop the pain any less. Oh, and what I wouldnt give to be down in the sanctuary in the pouring rain, just laughing with everyone again. Or the last saturday I was there, the party... and the after everyone left party.. and I miss being cuddled up in my bed with anna, and the backrubs, and the road trips with lauren, and blasting loud music, and the nights just chilling with erich and rob..

whatever, i need to stop remembering things. maybe if i just block everything out, i'll feel better.. and stop trying to depend on him to help me, bc he wont.......
no one will.


im going to go cry for the first time since I got here.



8/9 Things to be Missed
Anna
Lauren
Mike
Kaelynne
Ezzo & Becka
Liz
Brandon
Rob
Erich
Ashley
Matt
Greg
Andrew
Kelly
Gozzi
Rizzo
Lorber
Corey
The kids
The druggies
Foodbag
The sanctuary
Kirbys
Walmart
Grumpies pit
late nights on the phone
sleeping with anna
backrubs
movies
pills
parties
sitting on the deck till whenever
hugs
kisses
cuddles
random roadtrips
FUTZ!
MOOOO!!!
walking in the rain
pretending to be indians to make the rain come with anna
everything with anna
everything with lauren
everything with mike
late nights with andrew
messy room
black lights
dennys nights with Liz
Taco Bell with Liz
Wegmans with Lauren
9 fucking mile creek!!
webcam day
alex bay
utica
waterloo
" HI, IM CHELSEA PARKER AND I WANT TO GO THRU AUBURN AND WE END UP IN ROMULUS!"
scotia
babysitting
mom yelling
erichs bullshit
drama in west genny oh gosh
!pig out nights with anna
swimming half naked with lauren
the couch
"We like bumfuck"
Nosedrops
ambien
hiphop
July 4th, 2005
prank calls
"Anna, act normal." " BLOPP!"
B wing lockers
The Window
darien lake
seabreeze
railroad tracks
the underpass
shove park
green lakes
balloon fest
solvay field days
cleaning my room with anna
watching the guys skate
the community drug phone
August 4th 2007
40 fucking mountain dews
tv nights with mom
going to dinner with grandma
fighting with erich
the smokes
Ice cream *wink*
townshop
bville
the graveyard
dancing in the road
laying in the middle of the road
shouting out the car windows
erichs and rizzos.....gas
robs laugh
moms faces
grandmas odd comments
mikes lack of comments
anna all together
lauren all together
laurens car
tanning
handcuffs
tying robert up
almost hitting the retard on purpose with the car
playing in the rain with ashley
ashleys late night drop byes
grave hopping with Kaelynne
the sanctuary with Kaelynne
funny faces
weird noises
the yelling and fighting
the swearing
making comments to kelly about things in PIG
Paoli's class
6/7 studyhall with lorber
health class
decorating my room
the loves
running up and jumping on people
"KISS DAY"
"HUG DAY"
Justin and Greg
being a voodoo baby
the closet
the hallway
the music.
nakedness
falling asleep with anna.
sleepless nights
letting loose
being wild
being the lil rebel
being the outcast
my bedroom
my computer
the neighbors
Mackay Ave
Kinneys
taking walks with anna for food
subway
fresnos
tullys
dennys
Camillus and Syracuse in general...
and just about everyone in it.


8/9 No Goodbyes Like This
I watched him
walk away for the last time
and I wanted to scream
I never wanted to leave like this
after a night of no affection
no love, no thoughtful words
My heart breaks
but no tears are coming
not tonight
too numb
Tomorrow morning,
8 am
is the start of the new life
without him
without anyone that cares
maybe sleep will come if I am that lonely
maybe I can make it on my own
better than here
but I dont want to make it without him.
I didnt mean to fall
but I did, and hard too
Never meant to.
It's so hard now.
I dont want to say goodbye,
knowing it could be the very last time I ever see him.......


8/5 Last Night
Yesterday and last night were amazing. I cant thank everyone enough for coming over and just chilling at the house, and for all the excitement. It really showed me that I will be missed, and I will miss everyone else soo much.
Anna - You know everything already. You already know youre my best friend till the end, and that I am going to miss you like crazy. Youve always been there for me, and I love you so much for it. I wish you could come with me, because without you, I know how lonely I'm going to be, so Im going to call you every night. = ]

Mike - I cant thank you enough either. There are so many things I want to say to you, but I cant, but you know what they are already. Just having you be here meant so much to me last night, and I am so happy you had a good time with everyone and *GASP!* you talked. lol I also want to thank you for being so cool with my brother, that means alot to me too even though he can be a lil shit sometimes.. You have no idea how much I'm going to miss you. I love you Mike <33

Lauren - I love you, you have become my little sister. I would do anything for you, and you know that. I will miss you sooo much, and going on our roadtrips, I will always cherish those. I'll miss you so much, and I'll call everyday too. Please stay safe, and remember that I love you. <3



7/27 Sleepless
Sleepless nights
Stale cigarettes
Racing thoughts
What am I to do now?
The pills the doctor prescribed arent working...
"Will make you fall asleep."
Ha! What a laugh
It's failing me
My sanity is going
I'm starting to fall
The littlest things piss me off
No control, no emotions
Just anger
Icy glares, snide remarks
Just want to get away
730 am, cold coffee
So confused, so frustrated
I'm leaving soon
Maybe it'll be better there
Need caffeine
sleep
pills
nicotine
love
Anything to make me feel better.
===================================================
No sleep
again
for the 4th night
I dont know what I'm doing
I need him
just to tell me
everything will be ok
If he can make it,
why cant I?
But his pills work
mine seem to hate me
Oh, how lucky he is.
I can barely comphrend
what my mother is saying
it's turning into a buzzing far away sound
the tv is on
but I cant focus on it.
I cant focus on anything
why?
what am I doing wrong?
all I want is sleep.
something to make me feel happy and content
I cant feel.
its all numb now.
shes rambling on about how shes been awake since 430
oh poor mother, no sleep.
And you wonder why Im "cranky"
she asks whats wrong.
"Nothing. I'm fine."
I need something, alot of things.
but nothing she can give me
nothing works.
Just tell me, I'll be ok.
but I wont.
Just let everything be ok.